Baby's Breath
My body is my vehicle – I’m its driver.
As an avid athlete all of my life, I’ve developed a sense of my body and what it can do for me by pushing it to its limits and beyond. Sadistically running marathons doesn’t even faze me anymore; I’ve developed an extreme tolerance for pain. Plus. I wasn’t attuned to pleasure and paid little attention to seeking or receiving any.
While I was up to my 3-hour training runs for an upcoming marathon recently, my whole world turned inside out. I’m knocked up! In a million years I never dreamed I would become pregnant at my ripe age of 39, along with all the intense training I do, and well, I’ve never been pregnant before, and not for lack of trying.
But, low and behold, my body is no longer my performance engine. That title now belongs to this little being growing inside of mine.
My running days are over, at least for now. The over-exhaustion pregnancy cycle is raging, and I’m not. What amazes me is how this tiny mass of cells, quickly forming into a little heart, head, body, and limbs (my mate swears he recognizes a mini version of his own genitals on the ultrasound too, i feel he's a she!) could bench me on the sidelines overnight.
I’ve always been a control freak about my own body---what I feed it, what I don’t, how I train it, discipline it, and make it succumb to my wishes. Now, I am in total awe of this mini human growing inside of me; and of how I’ve lost control. From what I feed it and don’t, to these giant boobs topping at 38DD now, staring me right in the face (I special ordered my last bra, my back is killing me), to how my engine’s spent. I have no energy left for training and discipline which has always been my biggest passion and focus - all is dictated by this baby's breath - and my body’s surprising, inherent knowledge to create and sustain life. Every day brings new challenges and an awareness never felt before.
Seeing the finish line at mile 26 after running 4 hours, then crossing that line, was always my greatest exhilaration and proof of my strength as a woman. Now, I’m challenged by a one inch being in my belly who’s overturned everything I believed - with what it truly means to be a woman of strength. Another finish line is in my sight – and a starting gate, now that I think of it - the day my baby arrives to greet me. A nine month marathon puts my 4-hour race to shame. Running was much easier than this! Am I ready for this? Am I too old to venture down a path that most women do in their 20’s?
"And what was I always running from, or toward, anyway?"
Until I venture the path of motherhood I’ll never know what my body’s truly made for.
I wonder if I can draw upon some of my painful athletic endeavors to get me through the labor process? Surely the visualization exercises I did as an athlete transfer to seeing myself carry out a successful pregnancy and delivery. Who would have thought that after 25 years of running marathons and triathlons, that everything I’ve done up to this moment wouldn’t come close to preparing me for what I’m going through. My friend recommended I read Mindful Motherhood by Cassi Vieten - in some ways this intelligent approach reminds me of the discipline of my peak performance mentality, without the duress and teeth gnashing. I’m loving every word. I feel sort of grounded now, yet connected to something bigger than myself.
Hats off to all mommies who've experienced pregnancy and labor - thriving in the healthy rush and glow of finishing that 9 month marathon - my true passion and focus now.
